Good news can leave us with guilt too

I was sitting in the waiting room of my oncologist's office.  It felt so long since I had sat in this chair and yet it also felt like I had just been here.  It had been 3 months.  The closer this appointment loomed on my calendar, the more anxious I felt about it.  Every single time there is a checkup, there is worry and fear - what if one of my lingering symptoms (like sharp pains in 'the spot') is really something more?  What if we have to switch my hormone blockers again... will I feel better or worse? 

Thank goodness for my oncologist in these situations though... calm, reassuring, and steady.  We went through all of my questions and concerns during my appointment (as we always did).  But then... he said something that I was not prepared for.   I was mid-sentence about my remission and he stopped me.  He said "You are not in remission. You are cancer-free."  I gasped at first and sat cradling those words that I had waited so long to hear.  2 years prior I had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and I had become accustomed to the treatment cycles, checkups, and continued focus on my healing.  Now he was stating that being cancer free meant my next checkup would be in 6 months.  Six whole months was a privilege and gift.  It felt freeing and indulgent to imagine living my life with fewer checkups and the fear that proceeds each one.  And yet I also felt something heavy too... guilt in the pit of my stomach. I knew this update was a gift and not one that I took lightly or for granted.  Too many women seek this update just like me but are still waiting or find it inaccessible in their case.  That leaves me feeling brokenhearted as I want this same outcome for all of us.  And... it gives me hope for those that will receive this update ahead.   

Survivor's guilt is a real thing... we all strive to get to the other side of cancer, but that looks different to each and every one of us.  One powerful way to deal with this is to honor those still struggling to remove the cancer and those that have gone before us.  It is also important for those of us that get the all clear to honor this opportunity we have to go forward with life, loving and nurturing ourselves and our ongoing healing.

My commitment to myself is to make this ongoing healing a priority!

Hand on Heart,

Maggie

New to LoveME Healing and what we offer?  Learn more here.